James
paulftompkins:

“So exactly how long are we supposed to sit here and wait for this shitbird to come on out of his hidey-hole?” “Oh, I don’t even wanna hear it from you, asshole.” “The fuck did I do?” “It was you runnin’ your mouth that got us on this bullshit stakeout in the first place! You just can’t resist fuckin’ with the chain of command, can you? Gotta be the cowboy. Fuckin’ big-mouth dickhead.” “Look, you know I was right about that prick crooked councilman! He’s as guilty as— okay, door just opened. There’s our guy. He’s on the move.” “All right. Now. How do we get out of this thing?” “Hell if I know— how did we even get into it?

paulftompkins:

“So exactly how long are we supposed to sit here and wait for this shitbird to come on out of his hidey-hole?”
“Oh, I don’t even wanna hear it from you, asshole.”
“The fuck did I do?”
“It was you runnin’ your mouth that got us on this bullshit stakeout in the first place! You just can’t resist fuckin’ with the chain of command, can you? Gotta be the cowboy. Fuckin’ big-mouth dickhead.”
“Look, you know I was right about that prick crooked councilman! He’s as guilty as— okay, door just opened. There’s our guy. He’s on the move.”
“All right. Now. How do we get out of this thing?”
“Hell if I know— how did we even get into it?

lickbooth:

I GOT TO DO THIS LIVE BCAUSE OTHERELSE I FORGET WHAT HAPPEN. IT START OFF LIKE HALLOWEEN WHERE WALT IS NOW MR JENKIN TRUCKERS AND GO TO DENNYS IN TRUCKER OUTFIT, BUT WHY? THEN MUSIC COME ON: BAWWWWWWM, BAWWWMW, BAWWM BAWWWMW……DITDIT DIT DIT.

EP START AND I CALL IT DID I! MIKE JESSE AND WALT ON…

pianoparker:

TUMBLR: Please help my dog Desmond win this photo contest at his dog-daycare. All you have to do is “like” the pic. The photo with the most likes wins a free grooming (something we normally spend a lot of money on)!

Desmond has NEVER won “Dog of the Week” at daycare and I get the sense that he…

paulftompkins:

Paul F. Tompkins: Laboring Under Delusions airs at 11pm E/P on Comedy Central. Please watch it. You are under no obligation to enjoy it. It’s fine by me if you sit through the whole thing staring daggers at the TV, grinding your teeth to powder as you will a sandbag to fall on my head (it…

bullshETSY!

robdelaney:

I just bought some shares in an index fund that tracks the Wilshire 5000, which means I just bought shares in the 5000 largest American companies. I did this because I wish to take substantive action against Standard & Poor’s downgrade of US credit. Standard & Poor’s, and to a lesser degree, Fitch…

Almond Joy is the WORST!

In many circles, I am considered to be somewhat of a connoissseur in the candy realm. Although I’ve written volumes describing the superiority of the Rolo over the 3 Musketeer, which, as everyone knows, I’ve been rather blasé about for some time, I have always been forgiving to lesser confections due to my passion for candy in my mouth.

HOWEVER, there are some things by which I simply will not abide.

ALMONDS! 

 How wise you were to open not! 

 and yet, how poor if you should turn him from your door.

  If love should count you worthy 

Poem by Sidney Royse Lysaght

I think what the poet is saying is that if you have a perfectly good chocolate bar and then you ruin it by filling it with disgusting nuts, you are beyond redemption. If you’re going to ruin something with almonds, why not something that’s already ruined by its very nature?

  • Salad
  • Onion Stew
  • Meat loaf

When you shove an almond in your candy bar, you are forcing out perfectly good chocolate in order to make room for the unnecessary food tumor. Almonds are like the smelly weirdo who sits between you and your spouse on an airplane. You are almost within reach of the thing you love most, but you’re watching The Owls of Ga ‘Hoole while Weirdo shows you his scab collection.

Coconut!

When discussing awful candy contaminates, many of the same arguments seen above can be applied to coconut.

However,

Coconut comes like a thief in the night. You will know not the time nor the place. While people are saying, “Peace and safety,” destruction will come on them suddenly, as labor pains on a pregnant woman, and they will not escape.

Many a pie has been ruined by this unwelcome invasion, and I still can’t look at a box of chocolates in the same way as I used to. Although I am loathe to admit any positive qualities of the almond, I must admit that an almond is easily avoided and readily detected at first sight.

NOT SO WITH THE COCONUT!

It takes the keen eye of a hawk and the brave mouth of a lion to detect a coconut infestation. If I had a nickel for every strange candy bar I’ve bitten into only to be greeted with the unwelcome, vomit-inducing taste of a coconut, I wouldn’t have to write this blog.

All of this to say:

Almond Joy is the WORST!

When the Nazi doctors concluded their twisted experiments, they had little to show for them other than a path of death, disfigurement, and permanent disability. The most sinister of all of these experiments involved a collaboration with Satan himself. The first batch of Almond Joys was tested on the prisoners of Bergen-Belsen in the autumn of 1943. Although there were no survivors, Satan urged the Nazis to continue perfecting the torture device so that it would maximize suffering before its victims could give in to the sweet release of death.

Almost seventy years later, Almond Joy continues to impersonate a candy bar at the expense of the human race.

I also don’t like Mounds.

Which candy bar do you think is the worst?

SlipNutz (by ConanVIDS)

slippinghusband:

Louis C.K. radio interview with Donald Rumsfeld.

Please everyone listen to this whole interview. Louis spends the first six minutes asking Donald Rumsfeld if he’s a lizard from outer space who eats human flesh. Which is somehow even more hilarious than it sounds because he just doesn’t let it go. Then he goes on to ask Rumsfeld things like, “How many people have you met who have died by hanging? I knew a girl who hung herself once.” and “Would you kill all of France to save Texas and Arizona?”